We're Going Home
by Fencerchik721
Summary: A Navy SEALs (1990) Modern AU. James Curran/Reader. You had spent two years fighting next to these guys. They were family, brothers. But now that your time on the team is over, has it changed the nature of your relationship with James? Or did the change begin before you even realized it?
1. Chapter 1

We're Going Home

Part 1

Your POV

Friday night

"Hey Y/N, while you're up get me another beer, darlin'!" Dale crowed.

"Yeah, yeah," I laughed and walked into the house.

It was a Friday night and the guys and I were having our annual July 4th get-together at Billy and Jolena's house. I smiled to myself. Man, some things never change. These drunken, raucous events always felt like home.

It felt good to be here with them again. It had been two months since I officially left the team to move over to naval intelligence. I didn't realize how much I'd miss the guys until after I was gone. We were family, a family with ties stronger than blood. Hell, we loved each other. I guess that's just the way it goes. A special type of bond forms when you've fought together, shed blood together, slogged through the darkest and most desperate moments of battle together. I owed my life to this motley crew of screwballs.

We were SEAL Team 7 for two years. We carried out specialized covert operations in Pakistan, Israel, Libya, Lebanon, and a host of other places so varied they seemed to all blend together in memory. I had started off as a temporary placement. I had special skills in languages and was one of the most decorated sharpshooters in my unit. I went through SEAL training like every other operator, though to this day Eddie Dane still insisted on calling me "G.I. Jane". That was one thing I would always respect the guys for: they never treated me like an outsider. Of course the Navy didn't want to officially name a female as part of a SEAL unit, but after the first handful of ops, James had fought hard to make me a permanent member of the team.

I cast a glance out the living room window to where the guys were hanging out on the back porch in various states of inebriation. Dale and Billy were currently lighting fireworks in the yard while Leary was doing some sort ridiculous tribalesque dance with a handful of sparklers. Ramos was keeping time with a pair of miniature bongos while Rexer cheered Leary on. Dane was passed out in his deck chair near the fire pit, and James...

I let my eyes rest on my former team leader, Lt. James Curran. James was kicked back in his chair, laughing and watching the antics of our ne'er-do-well companions. My god, it was always a thing of beauty to see him smile. I mean come on, I wasn't blind. James was a handsome man. Not that I would ever allow myself to think too inappropriately about him. Dale was always good for a good-natured come-on or wildly suggestive comment to me, but not James. James had always been a consummate professional. Still it didn't hurt anybody for me to appreciate him as a good-looking man, right?

My bond with James was deeper than the other guys on a more personal level. He had saved my life in Beirut. I mean legitimately saved my fucking life. I had the scars to remember it by. When that IED blew white hot shrapnel into my shoulder and left thigh, it had been James that dragged my bloody and broken ass out of the fire. It wasn't something I could ever forget. Not the wounds, not the mayhem, not the dark look of worry in his eyes when he held me as the chopper took us back to the ship.

I regarded him as he threw back another vodka shot, watching the muscular lines of his throat work under his tan skin.

 _Damn. Get it together, Y/N. That's James you're ogling, remember?_

But goddamn that white shirt does look good with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. And those jeans, my god. And I forgot how good he looks with his blonde hair tousled like that.

"Are the animals behaving out there?"

Jolena's voice startled me out of my thoughts. I turned to where she was smiling at me from the kitchen sink. "For the moment," I laughed. "They haven't managed to blow each other up yet."

She laughed and resumed rinsing off the dinner cutlery. "Well, you're gonna be on your own babysitting in a few minutes, honey. My sister is taking me out with her tonight for her best friend's bachelorette party."

I groaned as I walked over to retrieve a couple of beers from the fridge. "God help me, then." I laughed. "This crew is barely civilized, as you well know. I always try to stay semi-sober at these things to make sure nothing too disastrous happens."

She laughed again. "I have faith in you, honey. And you have my permission to beat my Billy senseless if he gets out of hand."

I smiled. "Nah, Billy is always a pretty level head. I'm sure he'll help me keep the peace."

She dried her hands on a towel and walked over to hug me tightly. "Well, I said it before and I'll say it again: it's good to have you here, Y/N. I know the boys are happy to have to here too. We hardly ever get to see you anymore."

I grinned as she released me. "Thank you, Jo. It's good to be here. I'll try to make it more frequent."

A cacophonous boom resounded outside, followed by yelps that were unmistakably Dale's and loud peals of laughter.

"Dammit, Chief! Are you trying to send a rocket up my ass or what?!" I heard Dale yell. I heard Billy laughing hysterically in answer.

"Oh Christ," I laughed, "I better get back out there."

"Yes, girl. Before they set the damn house on fire." Jolena giggled.

The embers of the fire pit were burning low, sending pale wisps of oakey smoke into the air. The last of the fireworks were finally gone, thank Jesus, and we were all sitting on the deck chairs, drinking, laughing, and enjoying the night breeze off the coast. Poor Dane was still out cold, snoring softly in his chair.

Dale reached out from my left and clapped a hand on my shoulder. "Well, I gotta say I am fucking ecstatic to have you back, Y/N. It's been fucking horrible with you gone."

I smirked. "I'm sure."

"Hey, I'm serious. Especially with our fearless leader." He jerked his head at James. "He's been a completely miserable fuck. Constantly lashing out at me for no good reason."

At this Leary guffawed loudly. "Yeah, cuz it couldn't possibly be because you're such an aggravating asshole."

Dale scoffed in mock offense. "Moi? I am the lovable member of this team. I don't aggravate. I merely point out when certain people are being uptight pricks."

I hazarded a quick glance at James who was scowling darkly at Dale. His lip curled in grudging amusement and he shook his head. "Yeah Hawkins, our lovable aggravating asshole. Aren't we lucky."

"Well done, Lt. That's the most you've spoken to me all week. Anyway as I was saying," Dale continued without missing a beat. "I think I speak for everyone Y/N, when I say that you are very dearly missed. Especially in those short shorts you've got on..."

I laughed. "Oh for fuck's sake..."

"And," he continued ignoring my comment, "I think I speak for everyone when I say that I hope those intelligence dickwads don't convince you that you're too cool now to hang out with us anymore."

I shook my head and smiled. "Never happen. Once a frogman, always a frogman, am I right? I love you fucking headcases."

"Here, here!" came the resounding answer from the guys.

I cast another glance at James. Amused green eyes met mine, a small smile briefly flickering over his lips. But there was something else there. Something in his eyes. Something I couldn't quite identify. It was something like sadness. The briefest rueful and regretful look.

My attention was jerked away when Dale shot up suddenly from his chair, wobbling dangerously on his feet. "A toast!" he shouted, raising his arm in the air. "Let's go, boys and girls! Shots!"

Ramos retrieved the nearly empty vodka bottle from the ground and filled everyone's shot glass.

"Make it a good one, fucknut!" Leary heckled.

"Oh I shall," Dale coughed, swaying heavily. "A toast, my brothers and sister in arms. Let us drink to our epic achievements, our epic mistakes, and our epic history. And though many things have changed..." He grinned at me and toasted the air. "Our love remains the same."

"Our love remains the same!" came the resounding chorus interspersed with laughter.

As the guys started knocking back their shots, my eyes darted back to James and I found his eyes already upon me. He was so still, his dark green gaze so intent. And fuck it felt like his eyes were driving straight into me, like my innermost thoughts were suddenly exposed and vulnerable. I felt a warm flush creeping unbidden into my cheeks, my face suddenly and inexplicably hot. He smiled softly, and again I saw that rueful look ghost over his lovely features. He tipped his glass towards me and I mirrored the movement, returning his smile. I drank the shot quickly, errantly relieved to break the strange tension of that moment. The vodka burned cathartically in my throat and then pooled warmly in my stomach.

It was getting very, very late. It had probably been hours that we had been out there carousing on the porch, but my god the time seemed to fly. I was riding a terrifically heady buzz. More than once I had let my restraint lapse and allowed my eyes to wander back to James. And each time I had, each and every fucking time, I had found him looking right back at me. It was unnerving but it sent the most delicious shivers down my spine.

 _Fuck._

When the vodka was finally gone, I made my escape by haphazardly gathering up the shot glasses and bringing them inside to the kitchen. Jolene was still out, but I didn't want to add one more thing to her clean-up tomorrow. I began rinsing out the glasses under the faucet. The cold water rushing over my hands was soothing. My skin was flushed warm with booze and nerves.

Everything felt the same with the guys. Everything still felt like home. But yet something felt different, something small and niggling, like feeling a pebble in the bottom of your shoe. My mind shied away from pin-pointing it because every time I tried to analyze it, James' handsome face would swim into my mind's eye and I would sweep it away.

 _What the fuck was wrong with me? James was still James._

 _Gorgeous, sexy James. Jesus, stop it Y/N._

If I were truly honest with myself, I knew that small, different vibe was coming from him. He was looking at me...differently than he had before. Or maybe I had just never noticed it until now. But if I was even more honest with myself, I'd admit that something had changed in the way he looked at me long before I left the team. After Beirut. It was no longer a cool, professional, aloof look from him. His eyes were softer. The looks more loaded. There was a tenderness there and yet it seemed to penetrate me more deeply and tie my gut up in knots.

And it had changed me too. Where once I had not allowed myself to view him as anything but family, as a teammate, I started really looking at him as a man. The lovely bunch and coil of his muscles under his uniform, the chiseled lines of his jaw, the small flecks of gold in his deep green eyes, the way the corners of his eyes would crinkle when he smiled, and my god that smile. It was a fucking panty-dropper smile.

I wasn't no expert, but I knew it wasn't a good thing to start looking lustfully at your team leader.

But that wasn't the reason I left.

Leaving the team was the hardest fucking thing I ever had to do. I had told myself that I was getting burned out. Too much death, too much chaos, constantly ricocheting from one country to another. But that wasn't all.

I was getting scared. I don't know if that makes any sense. But the more I found myself looking differently at James, the more I realized how truly and utterly fucking devastated I would be if anything ever happened to him. I would be crushed if anything happened to any of my guys, but James...James was different.

Maybe it was Beirut, maybe it was more than that. But the thought of losing him scared the fuck out of me. I knew that I was starting to get in deep with him. I thought that leaving the team would protect me in some kind of fucked up way. But it didn't. I worried about them, about him, worse than ever now that I was in intel. Every time I heard that the SEALs were going to be activated, I fucking drowned in quiet panic.

I let the cold water continue to splash over my hands as I rinsed the glasses.

 _Jesus, girl. What a fucking mess you've made for yourself._

I was so immersed in my own thoughts, I didn't hear it coming.

In the split second that it took my mind to recognize an incoming threat from behind, I had already realized it was James.

And I let it happen.

In an eyeblink, muscular arms had grabbed me around my waist, pinning my arms to my sides and lifting me off of my feet. I gasped in surprise, the shot glass in my hand landing in the sink with a clatter. The warmth of his body flush at my back, the scent of his cologne, it froze me. Froze me and at the same time flooded every inch of my skin with heat.

His mouth was at my ear, the scrape of stubble on my cheek. A laugh rumbled up from his chest and I felt it seep through my clothes and sink into my body.

"Did I actually manage to get the drop on you, Y/N? You of all people?" I felt the warmth of his breath on my ear as he gasped in mock disbelief.

My frozen synapses stuttered back to life. I managed to pull off a dismissive, albeit somewhat shaky laugh. "Why is it that you bastards have always insisted on testing my reflexes with sneak attacks?"

He set me gently back down on my feet and released me with another laugh. I think my body actually mourned the loss of that tight contact. I turned to face him, attempting to place an acceptable look of annoyed amusement on my face. Fuck, he was still so close. He towered over me.

He grinned, his eyes glittering. "Just trying to keep you sharp, Y/N. If you go soft, it will ruin our reputation," he teased.

I laughed. "Oh, so it's for my benefit, huh? Not just for you fucking children to amuse yourselves?"

He threw his head back with a genuine, deep, full-bodied laugh. "Wait, wait now, Y/N. Let's not miss the point here. That I am now the only one to have successfully caught you off your guard. This is something worth a commendation. I might even get a medal for this."

"Oh my god, I hate you," I laughed punching him playfully in the chest.

He smiled, that goddamned beautiful smile. "Don't be angry. It's truly for your benefit. Keeping you alert. I could have been an insurgent. Or worse, I could have been Hawkins."

I shook my head. "I knew it was you."

He raised a skeptical brow. "Is that so?"

"Absolutely," I deadpanned.

Fuck, it was so difficult to distract myself from how close he was standing.

I cleared my throat. "In that fraction of a second before you got me, I already knew it was you. I know your scent, I know your touch." _Holy fuck, where the hell did that come from? Jesus why did I let myself say that?_

His brow shot up higher. He shifted on his feet almost imperceptibly, as if he was just as surprised by the response as I was. "My scent and touch, huh?" His voice dropped the smallest octave. "How's that?"

I managed to pull off a hopefully convincing nonchalant shrug. "You've put enough hands on my shoulders before we've busted down doors. Yanked me out of enough lines of fire. Pressed enough pressure bandages on my wounds."

But that wasn't all. In my mind, I momentarily lapsed back to that night in the chopper. Even loopy on morphine, I'd never forget the feeling of him cradling me in his arms. Strong and reassuring though something like terror and dismay flashed in his warm eyes as he surveyed my wounds. I couldn't recall ever seeing fear in his eyes before that night.

He shook his head. "There haven't been that many wounds," he said softly.

"There were enough." I coughed out a small hollow laugh. And just like that something changed in his eyes. The remnants of amusement fell away and were replaced with something unidentifiable. Something poignant, soft, and vulnerable.

His body seemed to sway closer to mine. The air suddenly seemed dense, electric and all-encompassing in that small space between us. He reached up and gently palmed the side of my face. I felt dizzy, disoriented. Heat was radiating off of his body. I was immersed in the scent of his cologne and the scent of _him_. A scent like warm sun, salty surf and amber musk. His face was too close, too beautiful. His eyes were so terribly green and bright. And they were so unusually and compellingly tender, looking at me with a regard that alarmingly resembled unabashed adoration.

I felt like I was drowning in those adoring eyes, that familiar handsome face, that fucking delicious scent. I felt my knees go weak. An electric shudder jolted through my limbs and then pooled between my legs. _Holy fuck._

As my mind began scrambling to orient itself, he leaned in closer, his breath soft on my lips. My mind blanked and I froze for the briefest of moments. And then he was pressing his lips to mine and it felt like fire went roaring through my veins. I felt my hands reaching out of their own accord to fist into his collar, and then pulling his body flush to me. He groaned, a deep delicious sound, and parted my lips with his own, deepening the kiss and sliding his tongue hotly against mine. And fuck he tasted so fucking good, fiery sweet vodka and just the taste of _him_.

His arms wrapped around me tightly. The heat of his body against mine flooded into me and shot directly to my core. My panties were instantly soaked. My god. I wanted him so fucking bad. "James.." I moaned into his mouth and he swallowed it down.

He broke the hot seal of his kiss to rasp against my lips. "God, Y/N you're so fucking beautiful." And then he was hungrily claiming my mouth again, devouring me utterly.

He suddenly lifted me effortlessly up in his arms and set me down on the kitchen counter. I wrapped my legs around his waist. And holy fuck his hands were everywhere. Gripping my ass and hips, palming my hardened nipples through the thin fabric of my shirt and bra, and finally fisting into my hair as he kissed me so ravenously hard.

My mind was so short-circuited I couldn't help myself. I rolled my hips up into his, gasping at the hard solid pressure of the erection straining through his jeans. He moaned against my lips and released them. I met his eyes and my god. His pupils were blown wide, darkness nearly eclipsing the rim of fiery green. "God I want you, Y/N. You have no idea how long I've wanted you," he whispered.

I was so thunderstruck, so totally at a loss I would almost marvel at it were I in my right mind. But I was so fucking undone with this beautiful man trapped between my thighs. _James. My fucking James._

I had no chance to reply as gripped my hair tightly against my scalp, kissing me again and tasting so fucking good. My panties flooded with renewed wetness, my inner walls clenching with want.

There was a loud clatter from outside followed by whoops of raucous laughter. James and I broke apart quickly. My frazzled mind errantly envisioned that the guys had succeeded in flipping a dozing Dane out of his chair. And oh holy fuck, I suddenly remembered where James and I were. In Billy and Jolena's fucking kitchen! Holy shit!

I met James' eyes. Christ, they were so fucking beautiful, lust blown and dark with desire. I struggled to latch onto my fucking wits, wherever they may have flown. A strange sort of panic began welling up in my chest.

 _I can't be doing this! This is James! James fucking Curran! My teammate! He's my fucking brother in arms. But oh god, he is a brother I would dearly love to fuck. Jesus Christ! Get a fucking hold on yourself, Y/N!_

I loosened my legs from around his waist, my core practically screaming in protest at the loss of contact. My voice tumbled out in a shaky, breathy stumble of words. "I..I..er...fuck..I'm sorry that I... I uh need to go..."

His eyes clouded almost plaintively and he swallowed hard. He palmed the side of my face, brushing his thumb softly over my swollen lower lip. "Don't," he whispered. "Please don't go. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have..."

"No, no it's okay. I shouldn't have..." I interjected in a staccato rush, my voice still so goddamned throaty and trembling. And Christ, my legs were trembling too. He pulled away just enough for me to return my feet to solid ground, and I hoped to god that they would support me. Fuck, I felt like I was about to melt into a puddle at his feet.

He swallowed again, the lines of his throat bobbing in such a ridiculously compelling way. _Fuck!_

"Y/N, wait..." He moved his arm as if to reach for me but I was already moving away, my back bouncing off of the counter as I collided with it hard. He was closing the distance, and my god it took every ounce of willpower I had to force my body not to sway back into his.

"It's okay...I just gotta go...I gotta go do...I uh, fuck I gotta go," I babbled quickly, still backing away and bouncing off the surrounding counters like a fucking pinball. Dammit, I didn't remember there being so many fucking counters in this kitchen! Where the fuck are they all coming from?

I willed myself not to meet his eyes as I turned and snatched my keys from the kitchen table. I walked quickly through the living room and went out the door to the porch. A beer-soaked Dane was pitching empty cans at Dale and Ramos as they crouched behind their chairs, laughing hysterically.

"Hey guys, I gotta run," I managed to shout, grateful that my voice came out steadily though inside I was a fucking whirl of nerves.

Dale looked over at me from his cover behind the chair. "Aww, c'mon we're just getting started." He paused. "You alright? You look all fucking flustered."

Christ, I don't even know what I must have looked like. _Shit_. Thankfully Dale was subsequently distracted by Dane lobbing a beer can into the side of his head. Billy waved at me from his chair. "We'll be alright, Y/N. I'll keep these idiots alive tonight. You're still coming to lunch with us tomorrow, huh?"

"Yeah, of course," I smiled, trying to slow my still thudding heartbeat. "I just gotta go. Gotta take care of some stuff early in the morning, you know", I lied smoothly. "See y'all tomorrow!"

The guys waved their cans and bottles and said their scattered goodbyes. Dane paused just long enough to wave goodbye before resuming his pelting of Dale and Ramos. I grinned and waved back before making a quick escape to my car.

My breath left me in a rush as I backed out of the driveway and made my way out of the neighborhood.

 _Holy fuck. What had just happened in there?_

to be continued?


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

James POV

Friday afternoon

"Hey, ya' know Y/N is gonna be there tonight. About fucking time she showed up, huh?" Rick Leary grinned as he elbowed me in the side.

I spared him a sidelong glance as we walked out of the briefing office. "Oh yeah? That's great." I kept my voice deliberately neutral.

"Yep," he grinned. "I got the arsenal ready last night. Enough fireworks to put the Normandy invasion to shame, brother. I'll see you tonight!"

"Wouldn't miss it, bro." I waved him off as he disappeared down the far corridor.

I already knew Y/N was coming to Billy and Jolena's tonight. Billy had mentioned it the other day. I think he had taken great pains to make it sound as nonchalant as possible, though I had seen in his eyes that he was carefully watching for a reaction.

Billy knew. He was my best fucking friend, of course he knew. Though he didn't say it out loud, he knew there was something there. The one and only time he had ever asked me anything remotely direct about her had been that night at the bar about two weeks after Y/N left:

"So what's up with you and Y/N, huh?" he had asked and took a long swig of beer.

"What?"

"You heard me. I ain't fuckin' blind, Paleface," he grinned. "I've been seeing the way you look at her. Since she's been gone, you've been moping around like somebody kicked your fuckin' puppy or something."

"That's fuckin' ridiculous."

"C'mon now, brother. Think of me like your priest. You can tell me. Y'all hooked up or something?"

I nearly choked on my swallow of beer and laughed. "What are you, nuts? No, we never hooked up."

"Uh huh. But you wished you did, huh?" he asked keenly, fixing me with that disbelieving stare.

"Get the fuck outta here with that shit, Billy," I scoffed. "It's not like that."

"Right, right..." he smirked.

That motherfucker. He was right. But he was wrong too. It wasn't something I generally allowed myself to examine too closely. But if I had, I would have been forced to face the truth. I had wanted her so bad it fucking hurt. But Y/N never could have been a meaningless casual fuck. Not her.

I remembered the first time I had ever laid eyes on her that day in Captain Dunne's office. This fucking gorgeous woman in a class B uniform that hugged her body in all the right places. I took a monumental effort not to stare at her. She was a fucking vision. Those big beautiful eyes, her chin set so defiantly like she was waiting for someone to tell her that she wasn't SEAL material.

I had made up my mind then and there that it was a priority to treat her like any other operator. To shut out every even remotely inappropriate thought. And you know what? It actually fucking worked for a while.

She was sharp, smart, and a helluva more skilled Arabic translator than Ramos. When she was on the team, we were a more cohesive unit than I had ever remembered. She was supposed to be a temporary placement, an asset to help us identify and capture Hezbollah agents operating in Israel. And when the ops were done, our targets detained, I knew we had to try to keep her.

Amazingly, Dunne had finally agreed. We became like the fucking super secret squirrel of the SEAL teams. Everything was off the books. The ops more covert, if such a thing was possible on the teams. And man, they ran our asses ragged. It seemed like every time we got back, there was another operation already in the works to send us off to some new god forsaken place.

And Y/N was great. She became a part of the family. She could drink and joke and curse with the best of us. And of course they guys had to mess with her constantly. In this family, it was a given to aggravate the fuck out of each other. One of the favorite pastimes became trying to catch Y/N off her guard. Good natured little stealth attacks to startle her and piss her off. But you know what? They never worked. I'll never forget the time Hawkins tried to sneak up on Y/N and snatch her off her barstool. She tossed his ass flat on the floor.

It was a funny thing. All those great times together, the eight of us, I would never allow myself to look at her as anything but a teammate. But don't get me wrong, there were times that it took a supreme fucking effort. And it wasn't always successful.

Like that barbecue at the beach two summers ago. Y/N had only been on the team for about a month. Billy and I had been standing by the pit bullshitting when Hawkins walked up with the most ridiculous shit-eating grin on his face. He clapped his hands on my shoulders.

"Y/N just got here." he said seriously, like he was delivery the fucking news of the century.

I smirked. "Okay. And?"

He grabbed my chin and turned my face. And my god...

There she was saying hello to Leary and Rexer. _And holy fuck._ It was the first time I had seen her out of uniform. She had her hair down and she had on this little white tank top and daisy duke shorts. And man, those long tan legs went on for miles. She hugged them both in turn. Leary and Rexer had dazed smiles on their faces, and man could I sympathize. I watched her take the offered beer from Rexer and walk over to the sand to sit next to Jolena. And then she took the fucking tank top off. She had on this little turquoise bikini that left nothing to the imagination.

"Are you fucking seeing this?" Hawkins sighed.

I jerked my chin away. "Shut the fuck up, Dale. And please fucking behave yourself."

"I'll try my best, fearless leader. But no promises. That is a thing of beauty," he leered at me as he walked away.

And god he was right.

And as if it wasn't bad enough that I was trying my damnedest to keep my eyes off of her, after a few minutes here she came. All radiant smile and looking like a walking, talking fantasy in the flesh. I don't even remember what she said when she was telling me and Billy hello. The next thing I knew she was hugging me tightly, pressing her breasts to my chest, smelling like sweet sin. And fuck me, I remembered praying to god that I didn't get a hard-on as I hugged her back.

I can't lie. That little bikini was the subject of many a wet dream after that.

So yeah, there were times like that when it took sheer fucking force of will to maintain a professional demeanor.

And then Beirut happened.

It was supposed to be a cut and dry op. Destroy a terrorist safe house and then get the fuck out of there. We almost made it out unscathed. But as soon as the detonators went off, it was like we had kicked an anthill. Motherfuckers started coming out of the woodwork. Dane and Y/N had been set up at peripheral locations on the perimeter. We were spread out in a scramble to retreat back to the pickup zone.

Those subsequent minutes were some of the worst in my life.

I remembered Dane's voice in my mic screaming that he saw Y/N go down with an IED blast. I can't even describe what I felt in that moment. It's like I went into a fucking rage-blind panic.

Every sound went dull in my ears, the gunfire muted, the explosions muffled. I tore across that street and down the alleyway like a man possessed. I heard Billy's voice yelling in my mic but I wasn't listening. I found her in a pile of smoking debris and my heart dropped into my guts. She was alive thank Christ, but she was a bloody fucking mess.

And god her agonized scream when I pulled her out from under the rubble. It fucking killed me. I remembered popping the morphine into her arm, throwing her over my shoulder and sprinting through that fucking firestorm to the LZ. I remembered clambering into the chopper, Billy and Leary yanking us inside. Somebody yelling, "All the fish are in! Let's go! Let's go!"

Even as Leary was checking her over, I held her. I couldn't let her go. My hands were shaking as I pressed down on the pressure bandages Leary had packed on her wounds. I didn't know what the fuck was happening to me. I had never felt like that with a wounded teammate before. Never fucking lost my grip before. But it was her. It was Y/N.

I remembered looking down at her closed eyes, her pale face and telling her, "It's okay. I've got you. We're going home, Y/N." She opened her eyes. They were clouded, fuzzy with morphine. And she smiled at me. This soft, sleepy little smile. She looked so fucking beautiful, even though she was a bloody, soot-smeared mess. The vice-like tightness in my chest cracked open.

And it hit me like a fucking gunshot.

 _I'm falling in love with this woman._

 _God, I am so utterly fucked._

I had done my damnedest to get it together after that night. Stowed those feelings down into the deepest, darkest compartment, locked them down, and threw away the key. There were more ops after that. But everything had changed.

It became so much harder to take my eyes off of her. I could feel her presence in a room even without seeing her. She stood closer now, had more fondness in her eyes when she looked at me. If she rested a hand on my shoulder even in the most innocuous way, my pulse would race. And god help me if she would lean over and whisper some offhand comment to me during a briefing. The scent of her perfume, her breath on my ear, her whispered voice, it drove me fucking crazy.

The parties were even worse. She always showed up looking like the hottest goddamn thing on two legs. We joked more, laughed more, but every time she got close to me... _Christ_. Whether it was a hug, or a playful punch, or draping a slender arm around my neck, it sent my heart rate into overdrive. Hawkins would hit on her as always, but now his half-assed maneuvers didn't just aggravate me, they made my fucking blood boil. I think Billy began to notice. I knew I couldn't afford to let any of that shit show.

I remember that night after we got back from Venezuela. When she told me that she was getting burned out, was thinking of leaving the team to take an offer from naval intelligence. It hit me like a ton of bricks. But she was looking at me with this worried look in her eyes, like she was expecting me to be angry or disappointed. I was floored, hurt that she was leaving but relieved that she was getting out of the lines of fire. And there she was looking at me with those beautiful eyes, wide and dark like she was on the verge of tears.

My guts were in a leaden knot, but I stowed all that shit down and told her what I knew she wanted to hear. That it was okay, that everybody gets burned out sometimes, that I understood, that I was happy for her. The look of relief on her face, that sad smile, it fucking killed me.

And now here we were: two months, one week, and six days since I had last laid eyes on her. And she was coming to Billy's tonight for our annual weekend long party.

 _Fuck_.

I had started drinking almost as soon as I got to Billy's house. The sun was just starting to set and Jolena was cooking. I was sitting at the kitchen table with Billy, Dale, Rexer and Ramos. Leary and Dane hadn't shown up yet.

Neither had Y/N.

 _Jesus, I never get nervous like this_. I thought that kind of feeling had been burned away long ago. Jumping out of airplanes, diving the darkest depths of ocean, countless fucking firefights, and I never got nervous. Now there I was like some fucking kid.

Billy popped the cap off of another beer and passed it to me. "Time for another drink, Paleface. It's Friday night and you're not nearly kicked back enough yet," he grinned with a goddamn aggravating wink. I smirked at him.

"That's right, Lt.," Dale piped in. "This is our tradition, right? It's gonna be just like old times too." He rubbed his hands together. "Y/N's still coming, right Chief?"

Billy grunted. "Yeah, she said she was. Jo just talked to her yesterday." He shot me a glance.

"Ah yes...Y/N..." Dale grinned gleefully. "I'm sure she's missed me. Poor girl has probably been going through withdrawals. It'll do her good to see me again."

I rolled my eyes to the ceiling.

And then the doorbell rang.

"C'mon in!" Billy bellowed.

And there she was, that same long haired, long-legged beauty in a faded blue t-shirt and short shorts.

 _Fuck_.

I suppose part of me had been hoping her effect would be diminished with time. It most certainly was not.

"Holy shit, it's a fucking ghost!" Dale laughed.

"My god, walking in here is like deja vu," she smiled that radiant smile.

We all stood up as she came over, exchanging our hellos as she began hugging us all in turn.

She paused when she reached me, those big beautiful eyes sparkling. "James," she smiled, "it's good to see you."

"It's good to see you too, sweetheart." I returned her smile. And then she was in my arms, hugging me fiercely and kissing me on the cheek. That familiar sweet as sin scent filled my lungs. Goddamn.

She released me, but she didn't move away. "How are you?" she asked gently.

 _I didn't realize how much I would miss you._

"I'm good. Still keeping these lunatics in line."

Her smile faltered slightly. "I heard about Mersa Matruh last month."

I nodded and cleared my throat. "Yeah, it was kind of a clusterfuck. But we made it out okay."

She dropped her gaze to the floor. "Yeah, I know." When she looked up again, something like embarrassment flashed across her face. She smiled again wanly. "It really is good to see you, James," she said softly.

 _God, I could have listened to her say my name like that forever._

"You too, Y/N."

There was a loud obnoxious blare of a car horn from outside. And thank Christ she looked away.

"Aw shit. The cavalry's here!" Rexer yelled. "Time to blow some shit up!"

I really needed to slowed down. I was drinking like I had fucking gills, but it took the edge off. Don't get me wrong, I was having a great time. It was just like Y/N had never left. The laughing and joking, the outrageous stories, lighting shit on fire, it was great. But I couldn't quite shake the writhing knot in my stomach. So I drank.

Dale had barely left Y/N's side the entire night and it was starting to infuriate the fuck out of me. After the last of the fireworks were gone, he was quick to grab a chair next to her as we sat around the fire pit.

I watched him reach over and grab her shoulder. "Well, I gotta say I am fucking ecstatic to have you back, Y/N. It's been fucking horrible with you gone."

She smirked at him. "I'm sure."

"Hey, I'm serious. Especially with our fearless leader." He jerked his head at me. "He's been a completely miserable fuck. Constantly lashing out at me for no good reason."

 _This motherfucker..._

"Yeah, cuz it couldn't possibly be because you're such an aggravating asshole," Leary laughed.

Dale scoffed in response. "Moi? I am the lovable member of this team. I don't aggravate. I merely point out when certain people are being uptight pricks."

 _This motherfucker..._

I shook my head. "Yeah Hawkins, our lovable aggravating asshole. Aren't we lucky."

"Well done, Lt. That's the most you've spoken to me all week. Anyway as I was saying, I think I speak for everyone Y/N, when I say that you are very dearly missed. Especially in those short shorts you've got on..."

"Oh for fuck's sake," she laughed.

"And I think I speak for everyone when I say that I hope those intelligence dickwads don't convince you that you're too cool now to hang out with us anymore," Dale finished.

 _Christ_. It wasn't the first time I had thought about that. And worse I knew it was only a matter of time before she started seeing someone. Her hectic pillar to post days were over now. Maybe it would be some asshole intelligence officer. Some rear-echelon motherfucker in a too-starched uniform with no combat experience and water in his fucking veins. None of those pricks deserved to lay a finger on her.

She shook her head smiling. "Never happen. Once a frogman, always a frogman, am I right? I love you fucking headcases."

She looked over and met my eyes. I returned her smile but in my head I was kicking myself. _Man, I had really fucked up. I should have grown some fucking balls and asked her out when she was on her way out of the teams._

Dale shot up out of his chair like the drunken idiot he was. "A toast! Let's go, boys and girls! Shots!"

"Make it a good one, fucknut!" Leary yelled as Ramos filled up our glasses.

Dale swayed on his feet, nearly taking a nosedive into the fire pit. "Oh I shall. A toast, my brothers and sister in arms. Let us drink to our epic achievements, our epic mistakes, and our epic history. And though many things have changed...our love remains the same."

 _Yes, it certainly fucking does._

I watched her laughing, taking in every curve and shadow of her form. She turned to look at me with those magnetic eyes. _Jesus, look at her. It's only a matter of time before some fucking guy swoops in to sweep her off her feet_. 

I forced a half hearted smile onto my face and tilted my glass to toast her from afar. She smiled and tilted her glass to me before tipping back that slender neck and drinking the shot.

 _My god._ People say that there is nothing more regretful than realizing a missed opportunity. And when it came to Y/N, it was goddamn haunting regret.

These were getting to be dangerous waters. The more I drank the harder it became to keep my eyes off of her. There should have been a voice of reason in my head telling me to get a grip, play it cool. But if that voice was there, it was silent. She caught me watching her. More than once. And each time she did, she didn't break the eye contact right away. She'd stare right back and me and smile.

Yeah. Dangerous fucking waters. But I didn't care.

I watched her as she scooped up the discarded shot glasses and disappeared into the house.

And I followed her.

I found her in the kitchen washing out the glasses under the faucet. That flawless figure with her back turned to me. As I approached, she didn't seem to notice I was there.

I don't know what the fuck came over me. It felt just like the games we used to play. Try to sneak up on her and at the last minute she'd always turn around and hit you. But it felt different this time. I never had this strange predatory instinct flare up in my chest before. I wanted to catch her off guard, sure. But I also wanted to touch her, to grab her, to feel her skin under my hands.

I closed the distance silently. _Oh, I had her._ She had no fucking idea I was there. I grabbed her around the waist and snatched her up off her feet. She gasped, no doubt in outrage, and I laughed out loud.

"Did I actually manage to get the drop on you, Y/N? You of all people?" And damn it felt so good to have her in my arms, even like that, even in those ridiculous circumstances.

She laughed scornfully. "Why is it that you bastards have always insisted on testing my reflexes with sneak attacks?"

I set her back down on her feet, immediately regretting the loss of her body pressed close to mine. She turned and fixed me with an annoyed gaze. She looked pissed, but goddamn if it wasn't the cutest thing I had ever seen.

I smiled. "Just trying to keep you sharp, Y/N. If you go soft, it will ruin our reputation."

The annoyance cleared from her expression and she laughed. "Oh, so it's for my benefit, huh? Not just for you fucking children to amuse yourselves?"

I laughed loudly. "Wait, wait now, Y/N. Let's not miss the point here. That I am now the only one to have successfully caught you off your guard. This is something worth a commendation. I might even get a medal for this."

"Oh my god, I hate you," she laughed and punched me lightly in the chest.

I smiled. "Don't be angry. It's truly for your benefit. Keeping you alert. I could have been an insurgent. Or worse, I could have been Hawkins."

She shook her head dismissively. "I knew it was you."

"Is that so?"

"Absolutely," she cleared her throat. "In that fraction of a second before you got me, I already knew it was you. I know your scent, I know your touch."

 _Wow_. I was speechless. It made no sense at all, but I felt suddenly exposed from cover, wide open in the crosshairs of her sights. It was as if she had looked into my own thoughts when I had her in my arms. "My scent and touch, huh?" I swallowed the knot in my throat. "How's that?"

She shrugged casually, but I noticed that she didn't quite meet my eyes. "You've put enough hands on my shoulders before we've busted down doors. Yanked me out of enough lines of fire. Pressed enough pressure bandages on my wounds."

 _Beirut. Trembling hands over bloody bandages. My god. The night I nearly fucking lost her._ She may have borne the physical scars from that night, but the intangible scars it left on me were still fresh. Still raw and aching.

I shook my head. "There haven't been that many wounds..."

She met my eyes fully. "There were enough," she laughed ruefully.

The look in her eyes was so warm and affectionate. I couldn't look away. I knew I had to say something, anything. But everything that came to mind was so fucking insufficient. I couldn't begin to tell her what I was thinking.

I drew a steadying breath. _Christ. I can't believe I let you get away._ My eyes roved over her face memorizing every feature. _My god, I am such a fucking idiot for letting you get away._

I reached out and touched the side of that beautiful face.

 _It's now or never, sailor. Time to man the fuck up._

I leaned down before I could stop myself and kissed her. And god it felt so fucking right. Her lips were so pliant, so soft and warm. I hadn't prepared myself for this. I hadn't at all prepared myself to withstand her assault on my senses. The warmth of her body, the scent of her perfume, the taste of her lips. It was crashing over me like a breaking wave. And then she was grabbing fistfuls of my shirt and pulling me into her, pressing her chest to mine.

And I lost my fucking mind.

A sound I didn't even recognize came out of my throat and I just devoured her. My tongue plunged into her mouth and fuck she tasted so fucking sweet. I wrapped my arms around her, pressing her into me as if I could pull her right into my body. She moaned my name against my lips and the sound shot straight to my dick. God I wanted her under me, on top of me, anything she wanted, with her moaning my name like that.

I couldn't stop kissing her. "God, Y/N you're so fucking beautiful," I breathed. And even in that brief moment I felt like I was dying of thirst for her taste. I couldn't get enough. Before I knew what I was doing I was lifting her into my arms and sitting her down on the counter. She wrapped her legs around my waist and fuck, I couldn't even describe what it did to me. I could feel the heat between her legs and my cock was suddenly achingly, blindingly fucking hard.

I wanted to touch every inch of her. The curve of her hips, the firm spheres of her ass, the mouth-watering swell of her breasts in my palms, they all drove me crazy. And god I was so lost in her kiss. I slid my hands up her throat and into her hair, grabbing two handfuls in a vain attempt to steady myself.

But in an eyeblink I was even further undone. She rolled her hips, grinding that heat between her legs against my throbbing dick. It was the sweetest fucking agony. I groaned like a dying man. I wanted her so badly, the hunger twisting inside me like a knife my chest. God I wanted to take her right there on that counter, consequences be damned.

I released her lips and looked into her eyes, so heated and hazy with passion. It took my breath away. "God I want you, Y/N. You have no idea how long I've wanted you," the confession came tumbling out of mouth. I couldn't have stopped it even if I wanted to. Her eyes widened, her mouth falling open, and suddenly I couldn't bear to hear her reply. My mouth dived back onto hers as if I could consume her very essence and hold it captive inside me.

The was a loud bang and scuffle from outside and loud drunken laughter. We broke apart and I watched the fog of passion lift from her eyes. _Fuck_. They were no longer spellbound, dark and heated. They looked fucking terrified. Her legs loosened from around my waist.

 _Oh god. Fuck. Please no._

"I..I..er...fuck..I'm sorry that I... I uh need to go," she murmured.

 _Fuck fuck fuck. I took it too far. I shouldn't have done that. Shit!_

I reached out to stroke the side of her face. I brushed my thumb over her lip, still so maddenly soft and swollen. "Don't. Please don't go. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have..."

"No, no it's okay. I shouldn't have..." she cut me off. And oh god she was pulling away from me. I stepped back so she could slide off the counter. There was an inner voice screaming at me that I was such a fucking idiot and don't let her go, not like this.

I swallowed. "Y/N, wait." But she was backing away from me, colliding with the counters like she couldn't escape fast enough.

"It's okay...I just gotta go...I gotta go do...I uh, fuck I gotta go," she said quickly. And in a heartbeat she was grabbing her car keys from the table and flying out the door.

 _Goddamnit. Fuck, I had fucked up so bad_. I stood rooted to the spot, totally at a loss. _God, I had kissed her. Finally fucking kissed her. Felt her body writhing against mine in mindless fucking passion and then..._

My hard-on gave a mocking throb.

 _Nice job, dumbass. You fucking blew it. You finally made a fucking move and then scared her out the door._

 _Fuck._


End file.
